Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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