I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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