come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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