It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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