Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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