One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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