i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
