Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
