He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
you never un-have a 4some
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
