i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
