Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
