My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
