my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
