Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
