I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
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He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
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Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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