I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Randomize
