I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
