I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
