i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
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TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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