My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
