Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
