wrigley field is MILF paradise
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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