I think i peed on brittanys purse
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
