I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
