Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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