Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again