I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
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After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
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I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack