the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.