why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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