Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just found puke in my bra..
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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