I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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