I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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