We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
