I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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