OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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