So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
