Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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