I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
