she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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