I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
