dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
