Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
