If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
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I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
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My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.