I wish I could teleport
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN