6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle