i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
