I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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