Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
one two three fourrrrnication!
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
