he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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