you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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