How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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