i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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