Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
