i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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