just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
