How drunk are you??
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment