it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
