I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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